The DEFCON Approximation

As a parent, you learn to distinguish very quickly between the cries of a single child to determine the "readiness" you will need to respond to that child's needs. With our daughter, we have determined that there are five stages that match the DEFCON scale of defense readiness quite well:

DEFCON 5 (contrary to popular belief, this is the most peaceful stage, not the one declaring nuclear war)

The world is at peace. The baby is happy smiling sleeping quiet. You may do any activity you wish, so long as you do it in COMPLETE SILENCE.

DEFCON 4

Crocodile tears. The soft, whining cry, sometimes just before they fall asleep.Somewhat amusing pitiful. Nothing to get up off the couch for, but keep your ears open. Continue with your regularly scheduled progrmming. SILENTLY.

DEFCON 3

Your basic cry for food, diaper change, or to be held. You have exactly 2 minutes before this reaches DEFCON 2.

DEFCON 2

Complete utter screaming - we call this the Incredible Tomato stage, because that's what color Anna turns when she is screaming her head off. Be advised: you can go from DEFCON 2 to DEFCON 1 AT ANY MOMENT. THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR MOMMIES. MOVE!

DEFCON 1

HOLY SHIT GET UP AND PICK UP THAT KID! The silent scream - we call this the Panic Stage, because at this point they're SO upset they can't even vocalize it. They've turned purple and you're completely unsure if they are breathing or not. And you PANIC.


And yes, you will learn to tell the difference between each of these cries with the precision of Johann Sebastian Bach, and in less time than it takes you to read this post.

Happy defusing!