The Breakdown Vomit

It has been awhile since my last post.

Mostly because I haven't had the time. 

Let me explain.

My daily commute is almost 4 hours total.

But I love my job, so I do it. Moving closer isn't an option.

And lately, I've been on the verge of a mental breakdown. I can't get things done. I think about all the things I could be doing while commuting, and it makes me crazy. 

I don't get enough sleep. Mostly because of the pumping schedule. So first move, get the pump out of the equation.

If you know what it's like to quit pumping breastmilk, you know that probably added stress instead of removing it. And pain.

Being in th cerve of a mental breakdown is like vomiting. You know you need to do it, but you don't want to, so you keep trying to hold it off. But it's inevitable.

So speaking from some advice I received, you can either vomit and miss the bucket (and end up cleaning it yourself of gettin it on someone), or you can tell someone you feel lousy and let them hold your hair back and nurse you back to health. 

Let someone take care of you. I know as mommies (or women in general) we feel the need to be strong and shoulder things alone, but don't. Not with that. That's what other mommies are for. Because they totally get it. They've been there and they are willingtonhelp however they can. Let them.

The Food Repurposing

My husband and I got into a plastic food fight the other night.

Yeah, we're THOSE people.

The Milk Analysis

I've been pumping breast milk for ten months now.

The end is in sight. The finish line is SO CLOSE. At least once a day (ok, every time I pump) I consider quitting right then and there.

But I don't. It's only another month and a half. 

Do I feel an obligation to keep going? 

Yes.

But it is my decision to feel this way. My decision to save money on formula and give our daughter all the best things breast milk can do for her. My decision to lose weight(what a happy side effect)! My decision to keep going for all the mommies I know that couldn't do it. Because if they could have done what I have done, they would have. Because they respect the mommies that can do it, and still choose to stop. 

THOSE are the mommies I keep going for.

But I am so very tired. I want to sleep through through the night without waking up to pump. I want to stop awkwardly borrowing offices at work and carrying that backpack back and forth. I want to stop planning trips and schedules around pumping. 

And someday, I'm sure I would love to SLEEP BRALESS. 

SO CLOSE! I CAN TASTE THE MARGARITAS NOW!

The Eavesdropping Juxtaposition

We take turns getting Anna up from her naps. Occasionally I like to eavesdrop on my husband over the baby monitor...and have not been disappointed by the cuteness factor. (Which is already very high anyways. My husband is FRELLING adorable in all manner of speaking. Anna is too.) 

Today he went up to get her while I was cooking dinner. This is what I heard:

H: "Does Mommy have stinky feet? Does Mommy have stinky feet?"

A:"Yah!"

Let the mutiny begin.