The Escape Attempt

Let's call this escape attempt number 1.

The First Time Theory

There are some things, that, as a new mom, you want to be the first to do/experience with your child.

Their first steps, first laugh, first word - pretty much their first everything.

My grandparent's 60th anniversary party was today, and as stated in a previous post, we couldn't go. I asked one of my sisters to take her iPad so we could FaceTime and at least she would see my grandparents for the very first time.

Flashback to Thursday night when I picked Anna up from my mother's house, and she told me she had FaceTimed my sister, who was with my grandparents. And showed them Anna.

And also showed her to my two aunts, uncles, and several cousins who also hadn't met her.

I cried a little bit on the way home.

We FaceTimed them again today, but it just wasn't the same. And my grandparents can barely operate a portable phone, much less figure out how to FaceTime using an iPad.

My husband did try to console me with the fact that my mother-in-law gave our nephew his first haircut. Without permission.

This is really making me sadder than it should.

Time for a margarita. :)

The Fireworks Reaction

My favorite holiday is the Fourth of July.

I know, it seems weird. But I enjoy watching the citizens of this country act like it for once, and the fireworks show at Newfound Lake is where my husband and I officially starting dating again (story for another day).

Speaking of fireworks, Anna and I have very different reactions to fireworks.

Especially those shot off on days other than the 4th of July.

In the middle of the night.

Anna, she wakes up, and she cries.

Mommy, she wakes up, soothes baby for 2 hours, gets in her car and RUNS THOSE BASTARDS DOWN.

The Mom Club Hypothesis

Now granted, becoming a mother for the first time is a life changing event. You expect sleepless nights, being covered in poop and breast milk on a daily basis forever, etc. Got it. Your life is changed.

What you may not expect to change is other people. People see you very differently as a mom. They treat you slightly differently. Strangers will approach you and your child and comment or try to touch your kid (wasn't OK when she was on the inside, DEFINITELY NOT OK ON THE OUTSIDE). Today was one of the first times I have gone to a friend's house with Anna and met another friend of hers - also a mom. It was like our own little moms club.

It felt slightly awkward.

While I enjoyed it, there were definitely times of "WTF am I doing here" and "Please stop your 4 year old from trying to tip over the swing my newborn is napping in" and totally an episode where splashing water was accessed by a 17 month old. She's not very tall, and there's only one water source she could reach....

I'll wait while you figure it out.




Anyhoo, it was nice, but still....awkward. I was the youngest mom there, and yet somehow one of the more confident moms.

Maybe I'm just young and naive. I'll get over it once she starts crawling.

Which at the rate Anna is going will be next weekend.

You also get into "my kid is better than your kid" competitions without realizing it. I told them Anna was rolling onto her belly at 4 months old and getting close to crawling (she can REALLY scoot). Apparently this is a bit early for this to be happening, as some babies have yet to do this at like 6 months (or in one case over a year...?). And apparently some can be offended if this is their child - there is a constant comparison going on. And there's really no way to talk about Anna and what she does without entering this motherly pissing contest.

Tread carefully, new mommies.

The Bath Addition

How many people does it take to give Anna a bath?

The Super Strength Anomaly

Why is it that I can carry Anna in her carseat, a diaper bag, a breast pump backpack, a tote bag, and a purse and still manage to open the front door on my own, but lifting my arms for strength exercises at Zumba is the devil?

Discuss.

The Hallicination Quotient

Being so incredibly tired that when someone says "Good morning" to you on the T, you think you're hallucinating. (Although you don't need to be tired to hear that on the T and think you're hallucinating).

And you have to look up the word quotient to remember hat it means.

And realize it doesn't quite apply here but you are too tired to care.

And your kid slept through the night.

WTF Sleep?

The Breast Pump Reconfiguration

I need to redesign the breast pump.

Yes, the amazing discovery of breast pump bras (or your cheaper, more comfortable alternative, the sports bra with holes poked in it) has made it possible to pump both breasts without using your hands.

Voila!

Except that oh yeah if you're a breastfeeding mom with a newborn that won't latch and you pump every 4-6 hours this can get old.

And boring.

And interfere with all the other crap you need to get done.

So I want to redesign this baby. To run on mommy power.

Basically, as long as you are alive, it operates. Sans batteries (ain't nobody got time for that). It fits on your back like a backpack, or maybe a fanny pack in case you want to carry your kid at the same time. Everything else stays the same, but YOU are portable.

Why do this? Because I can think of several things I would rather do with my time other than sit at my computer waiting for Bobby (yep, finally named that bad boy) to do his thing.

1. Make lunch for tomorrow.
2. Nothing.
3. Pick out clothes for tomorrow.
4. Sleep.
5. Laundry. Shower.

And dear lord do nipples that have been pumped every 4-6 hours HURT. Ouchapotomous.

That is all. Look for the "Screw This I Have Other Things To Do" O-Matic out later this nevermind-I-don't-know-any-breastpump-engineers-or-patent-offices.

The Baby Pool Results

Are in!

And guess what.

I lost.

BIG TIME.

As in, DEAD LAST.

As in, there outta be a prize for how completely wrong I was.

As in, my three year old nephew even beat me with his choices.

Believe it or not, this has happened before. In bowling.

Ah well. Welcome to the family Iris!

Love,

Your aunt who will never be a psychic.

The Placement Problem

At my Mother's...

Really Memere?

The Tag Team Effect

I haven't seen my husband in two days.

Yes, he's sleeping in the next room while I get it on again with my breast pump, but I haven't seen him in two days.

Because we've literally been tag teaming with Anna for two days.

Went to bed Tuesday night. Got up Wednesday. He dropped her off at school, I picked her up while he worked late in Boston. He got in late, I left early for work before they got up. We meet at noon to exchange the baby because WE HAVE A NIECE! and the only time he can see her in the next two weeks is this afternoon. And after a drop off at my mother's to go to volleyball, I am home late and he's back and in bed.

Oh, and he'll be away next weekend too.

I'm pretty sure he's going to wake up and wonder who the hell is in bed with him.

The Beautiful Day Reaction

So I can do totally fine leaving for work in the morning and working all day without missing Anna too much. At least, without crying.

Apparently this is not true if you:

1. See her in the morning before you leave.

2. Go on a work retreat in a beautiful place on a beautiful day and get there 1 hour early and watch all the moms and their kids run around in the sunshine.

5 PM couldn't get here fast enough.

The Fingernail Minimization

Anna's fingernails grow like they were possessed. For the first few weeks of life, she was fine. Those babies fell off on their own -  no problem. And then....

...she could scratch. I'm not talking little skin rashes. I'm talking full on, tear through your skin like the claws of a jungle cat scratch. Those babies are right up there with knives, samurai swords, and of course, lightsabers.

And how are you supposed to combat them? A teeny tiny little nail clipper.

Yeah right. This post has been brought to you by the letters W, T, and F.

P.S. 22? Really?

The Grandparent Misplacement

Tonight I called my grandparents for the first time in almost a year.

Yeah, sometimes I kind of suck.

To be fair, they live in South Carolina, and I haven't seen them in maybe two years. We do our best, but they live far away, and can be....somewhat racist eccentric. Let's just say they've been known to throw around words that tiny old ladies in oversized spectacles with surprisingly loud voices should probably keep to themselves.They're a little on the crazy side, and have high expectations of their children and grandchildren.  They also ignored my then-fiance for about an hour and a half the first (and only) time he met them. They also keep 4 foot tall bottles of vodka under the sink.

I sh*t you not.

I love them, but I have some guilt. Their 60th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, and we were all invited. It would be a good chance to see family we haven't seen in awhile (there are some aunts and uncles I haven't seen since I was like 12), but with my nonexistant limited vacation time, plus the idea of traveling with a newborn.....long story short we aren't going.

And I feel awful.

My husband's grandparents are the epitome of what you would expect grandparents to be. Patient, loving, and just completely overjoyed to see you whenever you walk through the door.

I adore them. I miss his paternal grandparents as much as I miss my own. His mother's parents are just so sweet and I love visiting them. I truly love them as if they were my own.

Which is part of where the guilt comes in. We're hoping to visit SC in the fall, and I hope Anna gets a chance to meet my grandparents (crazy or not). It's hard for them to visit us, even though most of us are from New England. Family is so important to us, and though they are different, and I love them differently than I do my husband's grandparents, love is love is love.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all those daddies out there! Especially my husband (first father's day!) and my dad (....you can guess how many father's days he's seen. : ) .

To my husband:

To my dad:

Mission accomplished. ;)

Enjoy your day!

The Judgment Reaction

One of my friend's mothers is quite...interesting.

She has an opinion about everything.

When my friend had her first child, her mother was constantly giving her input on what the baby was feeling, what it wanted, etc.

Now granted, her mom was taking care of the baby 4 days a week.

However.

If there is one thing I learned in being a mom, it's that moms (or dads) know their children best. Our ears can pick out our child's cry amidst a sea of crying children - or from a good distance away. We can sense poop as it is happening. We can smell dirty diapers from across the room. We're like superheroes in this regard (see previous posts).

This woman also likes to give her opinion on everyone else's baby. Including mine.

So when Anna met this woman for the first time, I knew it was going to be interesting. We avoided her most of the event, and after several hours of smiling at EVERYONE, this woman sat next to my friend (who was holding Anna) and began talking to her. After a minute, Anna began to cry.

And the woman began telling me everything that was wrong with Anna. I simply picked her up, went inside to get her the bottle I knew she wanted (which quieted her immediately) and sat back down.

As we were leaving, another guest at the party gave us a hug and told us how gorgeous Anna is.

I added in that she's also a great judge of character. : )

The Exhaustion Substitution

Can you tell when my husband has to work the overnight shift? Cause all you get is what you see above.

Parenthood should come with a lifetime supply of caffeine.

The List Complexity

Everyone has a list.

You know.

The list of people (mostly celebrities) that if you ever met in real life, and got the chance to take them to bed with you, your significant other would give you a pass.

I had this conversation with my husband about a year ago about who is on each other's lists. Both of ours were very short--maybe one person each.

So what did we do?

We started making suggestions.

For each other.

Cause that's what you do.

My husband's list is VERY short. It consists of Kate Beckinsale and Kristen Bell (he's a big Veronica Mars fan--who knew?).

My list still isn't very long. But it has another problem.

Most of mine are fictional characters. Here are my top five:

1. Malcolm Reynolds/Nathan Fillion (Firefly) I LOVE Nathan Fillion. I adore most of his major roles, and he's a total geek in real life. Malcolm Reynolds though is my favorite, and I just love that character (and his pretty floral bonnet).

2. John Crichton (Farscape). Something about those sad, baby blue puppy dog eyes gets me every time. YES PLEASE.

3. Shane "Scarecrow" Schofield. He's a fictional book character in a series by Matthew Reilly. If you like any kind of action/adventure, you HAVE TO READ MATTHEW REILLY. Shane Schofield is like the epitomy of what a good man is. I frelling LOVE the development of this character. I would also like to lump Jack West Jr. in here, another of Matthew Reilly's series lead characters. I fall in love with all of the characters of these books, and Jack's loyalty is second to none.

4. James "Sawyer" Ford (Lost). With a haircut. Also great character development. For some reason I like semi-conflicted men. And when he really falls for Juliet - it's like YES. FINALLY he's over Kate (lord I did NOT like Kate Austen).

5. Peter Petrelli (Heroes). There's something inherently lovable about the sweet, innocent, can only do good kind of man.

Honorable mentions: Sam Flynn (Tron), Wedge Antilles (Star Wars), John Shephard (Stargate)

Do you think I have a science fiction/fantasy addiction?

Maybe?

The Good Baby Vortex

I haven't wanted to post this, because I am afraid it will come back to haunt me.

Like sooner rather than later.

Everyone talks about the nightmare of having a baby. The joys yes, but the nightmares mostly. You know, about them screaming for no reason, not sleeping through the night, spitting up all over EVERYTHING.

Anna doesn't do any of those things. Well, not very much.

While her "normality" is in question (although her inherited geekhood is not) I don't think there's anything wrong. She's just a happy baby. I am sure when she gets older and really starts teething and crawling I will regret this entire post, but right now I have a cute, lovable, sleep-through-the-night, charming baby girl! I don't think I am too shocked, but there is such a thing as a "good baby". Never fear future parents! It could happen to YOU!

Now, off to enjoy every second of it while it lasts! :)

The Worldwide Triangulation

Tonight is an exhausted night. After teaching squid classes at work, rushing to my mom's house and back with Anna, Zumba, and my regular "get everything ready for me and Anna for the next day" routine, I'm bushed.

By the way, this is how I feel about Zumba.

Um, yes. That is totally me. I am still catching up on the moves, but when I know them I FRELLING ROCK THEM OUT LIKE IT WAS MY JOB.

And for the record - Zumba uses a lot of Pitbull music.

I get it dude. You have a mission. And it's worldwide. I got it.

Seriously - I got it. You don't have to put it in EVERY SONG.

That is all.

The Hospital Configuration

My sister in law is due any day now.

AND I AM SO FRELLING EXCITED!

Anyhoo. She asked me for a bit of advice on what to bring to the hospital. We had a much shorter conversation, but it did give me an idea for a helpful list/advice for the future (maybe for you, maybe for me who knows :) ).  I say advice because you can google "hospital baby checklist" as many times as you like, and I can tell you EXACTLY what I brought/would bring in the future---but honestly what you bring is up to you. Here's my strategy:

1. Make a list of all the crap you think you could possibly need at the hospital or for coming home for you, support partner, and baby (really for baby all you need generally is the car seat and outfit). 

2. Go on the hospital tour. Bring your list. Cross off everything the hospital provides (every hospital is different!). And unless you REALLY want to use your own; leave your breast pump at home - the hospitals usually have a few roaming ones.

3. Check out the cafeteria. Make note of the hours and prices. If you get a decent meal plan that lets you order extra food for your partner, or if the food is ridiculously good and cheap, forget packing yourself snacks. Some hospitals even have a kitchen in the recovery area with cereal, fruit, etc. Save yourself (or rather your support person) from carrying that extra weight around.

4. Be aware of temperature. Bring clothes you can put on in layers. The nurses can keep you cozy when you are in bed, but when you are walking around tryin to get things moving it's harder to stay warm/cool. I also recommend footwear for walking the halls--the nonslip socks are nice but offer no support!

5. Pack two bags. One for the crap you KNOW you will need (clothes, toiletries, etc.) and one for the stuff you aren't sure about. Leave the second bag in the car--you can always get it later if you need it, and it's one less bag to drag from the maternity ward to the recovery room.

6. Bring comfortable clothes. Seriously, no one cares how stylish you are in the maternity ward (they already know you put out ;) ) and no fashion photographers will be present. And whatever you wear is likely to get covered in poop, blood, spit up, formula, or some other bodily fluid. Make sure to pick a dress in summer or something super stretchy in winter so it isn't right on your belly (if you have a C-section).

7. Bring reusable grocery bags. Go to town collecting everything useful that isn't nailed down (hey you're paying for it)! I recommendnd diapers, any formula, those stretchy undies, maxipads, and most important, the nasal aspirator. NONE of the aspirators in stores have worked as well as that one. Snag two if you can!

8. Pack it all in a single suitcase. That rolls. It'll be much easier than "oh, the other bag".

9. Entertainment. You won't need much of it. Bring an iPhone/iPad and a deck of cards. Once the baby is born, you will not want to entertain yourself. You will want to SLEEP. ALL THE TIME.

And that's the hospital guide according to ME.

The Broadway Distraction

I'm something of a theater buff. If I hadn't gone into marine biology, I would have gone into theater. Maybe as a stagehand, maybe as an actor - who knows. I did both in college, and absolutely loved it. There are so many stories to tell from my theater time in college it could fill a blog. Like the time one scene of The Tempest went on so long I fell asleep on stage. Or the time every single actor in that show that had to run offstage wiped out because of the fog machine.

Anyhoo. More stories to come.

At this time, I would like to say two things. Broadway rocks and Neil Patrick Harris should always host the Tony Awards. Like always. Even Anna loves him (or maybe it's just the lights and sound of the TV....)

I can't possibly think up something good right now - the Tony Awards are far too distracting.

The Papa Juice Placement

We visited my friend Jen, her husband Dave, and her two kids this afternoon for lunch. We brought Anna along, and her two boys absolutely loved her. Her oldest is 4.5 years and is much more talkative each time we visit (as he gets to know us better). He's gone from shy and not talking to us, to crawling into my husband's lap on sight.

Today he was showing me his NASCAR collection.

Apparently there is something incredibly soothing to certain children about cars that make left turns all day. He LOVES it. He explained all the flag colors to me and what they mean, and then I quizzed him about which car he wanted to win. Which was his favorite?

"Well I don't really care who wins but number two is good. That's the papa juice car."

This is number two:

(Insert snorting laughter here)

No papa juice for me tonight! : )

The Memory Instability

With Anna ceasing to sleep through the night consistently, my husband and I have slipped into the next ring down of the hell that is sleeplessness.

Between him getting up for work at 2 AM (and being back before I leave at 5), and me getting up at 4 AM (and if Anna gets up in the middle of the night) WE'RE EXHAUSTED.

And when I seem to have the slightest bit of energy, or when some daily happening triggers an idea for a good blog post, I write a note on my iPhone.

And that's it. I forget everything else. I can't remember all the awesome sentences I wrote in my head while trying not to fall over on the T while carrying 2 backpacks, a tote bag, a purse, and remaining baby weight (one backpack for laptop, one is the breast pump, tote bag is for my lunch---I knew you'd ask so there you go.)

And then I get to my last nightly pumping and start to write. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's a challenge. And sometimes your arms are so tired from playing the most intense game of volleyball of your life that your fingers are having trouble cooperating.

And then you have to wash breast pump parts.

I swear, I would give ANYTHING to have a magical genie who washes breast pump parts.

You know, like my husband.

The Park Potential

I took Anna to the park this afternoon for the first time. We had a house showing so I needed to get out of the house and wasn't sure what to do. I found the park online and it turns out it is about 5 minutes from our house.

So why not?

It was a cute little place. Some open fields, swingsets, horseshoe pits, jungle gym, trails.

All gravel. Or sand.

Not great for a stroller. I would have carried Anna, but a muscle in my back was spasming. We made our way to a picnic table and chilled for about half an hour. It was a slightly overcast day - not too hot, not too cold.

There was a nice open field I debated walking through with her and laying in the grass (it looked awesomely soft). I was almost ready to go when I saw a man drive up and get out. With his two dogs.

And take them to the field.

Where they proceeded to do their business.

Apparently this park doubles as a dog park.

Awesome.

Although Anna didn't seem to mind. She rocked the shades. :)

The Baby Pool Excitation

One of the coolest things about Anna is that she will have a brand new cousin in the next few weeks! It is my husband's sister, and we are all incredibly excited for her!

Me especially.

I feel much more excited than I did for the birth of our nephew three years ago. I think it makes a difference once you are actually a mother. A BIG difference. Not that I don't love my nephew, but having your own really does change your perspective!

Anyhoo, for our nephew we had a baby pool (Anna didn't have one) and his sister is having one too. For Patrick's we all emailed in our guesses for the date and gender.

Apparently after three years things are a lot more high tech.

Like they have websites for that crap now.

And it doesn't just record dates and genders. You can put in your predictions for eye color, weight, hair color, length, etc. And when the baby is born, this thing will CALCULATE who is the winner.

Um, AWESOME!

Although statistically I don't stand a chance. My father in law has won the last two baby pools.

Except that his pick was for today.

And no baby has come.

BOOYAH!

Homemade ice cream here we come!

P.S. Homemade ice cream is the best prize ever.

P.P.S. The baby pool website is babyhunch.com.

P.P.P.S. Stay tuned for the actual winner! (hopefully me)

The Bird Annihilation

Today was the first time I ever biffed a bird.

And by biffed, I mean hit with a car. As in avian vehicular manslaughter.

Two little sparrows flew down into the road this morning, and I didn't have time to dodge or swerve. I checked my mirror and saw nothing in the road. I thought I was safe. Until I came back to my car after work and saw this:

Poor little guy.

It's much worse when you're a mommy. I cried for at least ten minutes.

I've done enough damage for one day. It's time for bed.

The TV Show Duality

Recently I've been trying to be sensitive to what Anna watches. Since we don't have cable, I've been stuck with our Roku and three months of rewatching all of LOST.

And then I found the kids channel.

And then my husband found it.

LET THE EPIC BATTLE BEGIN.

You see, when I leave the room, he turns on Arthur.

I don't particularly care for Arthur. I'm more a fan of Super Why and Blue's Clues (yes, even though Steve is kinda creepy Anna LOVES the singing - she also has a love affair with Drew Carey from the Price is Right....).

When he leaves the room, Blue Clues dominates.

Thank goodness she's too young to follow the storyline....right?

The Bassinet Substitution

I mentioned that recently Anna has had trouble sleeping like she used to.

It might have been teething. It might have been the heat.

Since we've had four 90+ degree days in a row, and Anna's room isn't air conditioned, my husband and I thought we might try an experiment.

To let her sleep in our bed, in a bassinet, with us.

This is the first time we have let her do this.

Like, ever.

How did it go?

She had trouble falling asleep. So in our parenting wisdom by sheer dumb luck we turned on the ceiling fan, which combined with my iPhone flashlight, lulled her to sleep.

And she slept straight on through, with a minor pitstop at 4 AM for 3 ounces of milk.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

And I have to say, it was SO sweet to have all three of us in bed together. It just felt like a fun family thing to do. When she dozed off, my husband and I slowly and carefully crawled our way back into bed like stealth ninjas and fell asleep too!

Turns out, she's just like her father. He overheats easily, and she seems to be the same furnace he is. Sleeping in the A/C seemed to do the trick!

Best night ever. : )

The Teething Postulate

We are unsure if Anna is teething.

We aren't sure because she has gone from happy baby who sleeps practically through the night to tiny crazy person who wears a diaper and screams bloody murder at two hour intervals.

She has become a grouchy drooling maniac.

She wants to be held ALL THE TIME.

She has slept awful for two nights. And for yesterday's finale, she barfed all over me. All five ounces.

On the bright side, not a drop got on the couch. I caught it all in my pajama top and bra.

Or maybe it's the heat.

Thank God our new house will have central air....