The Baby Name Paradigm

As an educator who goes out to schools, I've seen a lot of kids.

And had to learn their names.

When my mother first found out we were having a girl, there was an endless stream of questions regarding what our child would be named. Between her, my aunt, and my sister, they tried every trick in the book.

"What letter does it start with?"

"I want to monogram things for her!"

And so on.

Needless to say, I held my (our) ground. We didn't tell ANYONE our name choices. Because honestly, it doesn't matter. If you tell someone, then they immediately judge the name. IMMEDIATELY. They may or may not keep their judgment a secret. And now you have others influencing your choices when really, you probably had a pretty good name to start with.

Example: My brother-in-law and his wife kept the sex and names to themselves. When our nephew was born, they surprised us with his name: Patrick.

Patrick? I thought. Eh, guess that's OK.

I was not a fan. But I thought Hey, not my kid. Who am I to judge?

And now? That kid is TOTALLY a Patrick. Couldn't think of him any other way. Plus, once you name the kid, no one can argue with you. It's named: DEAL WITH IT.

Now I'm not inviting you to name your kid whatever the hell you like. Take some time to think this through. I reassured my family that our child's name would be fairly normal, and you would be able to spell it. Because who the f*ck wants to spend the rest of their life spelling their name?

Example: I have met children with seriously f*cked up names. Like Xyta (Zi-Tah). And Eros (the god of sexual love). That will TOTALLY work for him when he gets older. Or a teacher I met who had a child in her class who's name was Shithead (shah-tay-ed).

My advice for naming your kids (compiled from hints all over the internet)

1. Don't tell anyone your choices. If you do, you might get stuck with it or someone might put the name on something and then you can't use it if you change your mind. Or, in the case of my messed up cousin, naming your baby after your baby's daddy (NOT husband) and the jerk turns out to be a lying cheater. And you STILL name him after his father. DON'T DO THAT SHIT.

2. Keep it simple - spelling included. Your kid is not going to be any more special because her name is spelled Ayvah instead of Ava. You'll get sick of spelling it, and so will she.

3. Look up popular name lists to see if your choices are on it. If they are, consider nixing the name. You don't want your kid to think his name is Matt B. because there are three other Matts in his class.

4. Double check the initials. You don't want Sunnye Theresa Davis or Zachary Ian Thomas to one day get teased for their initials STD and ZIT.

5. Consider nicknames (both shortening of names and mean rhyming ones). My boss once told me her husband preferred names you couldn't shorten (like Amy or Lucy). We decided we could live with Anna Banana as a nickname, and if we make light of it, hopefully she will too. Nicknames are somewhat endearing in my family, so do what works for you. But if you would hate for a Richard to be called Rick, Dick, or Richard the Lionhearted, reconsider. Because the only thing worse than spelling your name all the time is sounding like a dick when you tell them "It's RICHARD, not Rich." Jeez. Sor-ry.

6. Say it out loud. You'd be surprised how some names sound ALL WRONG when you say them aloud. Write them down too - make sure it looks aesthetically pleasing on paper (no, seriously).

7. Settle. Once you have a name, stick with it. The last thing you want is a nameless baby for 3 days in the hospital while your family visits and bugs the hell out of you after you just pushed a bowling ball out your vajayjay. You've got 9 months - you can at least be prepared for SOMETHING.

8. Have a backup. Just in case Sam turns out to be Samantha, or in the case of messed up cousins, your baby daddy is an asshole. OR, as in our case, a beloved family member dies and you name her after her. (We named Anna after my husbands grandmother who died 1 month before Anna was born. Her name was Eleanor, and she told us NOT to name our baby that. We called her Nana (note the anagram to Anna). It seemed fitting.)

9. Consider sibling names. Don't put too much stress on this one right now. Just be wary if you decide to have more children if the names will go together. Or if they do, how they will sound. If your kids are Sam and Ella, shouting that off your back porch will sound like salmonella. Ew.

Happy naming!